I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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