please come you make the beer taste better
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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