You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
lets start a swedish sibling band together
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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