I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
