She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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