sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I'm really busy with my period
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