If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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