He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
