His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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