I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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