Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
