I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
