I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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