my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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