You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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