Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
