Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
