What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
