guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
