I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
