i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
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