She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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