I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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