Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
