I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
