I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
