It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
