"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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