U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
