Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
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