i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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