wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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