Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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