I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
