come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
