somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
