So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
