i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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