Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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