Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
