sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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