If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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