There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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