I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
