Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
