So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
