I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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