Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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