You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
