I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Someone came in the potted fern
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
