hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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