So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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