he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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