I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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