Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
