woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
MIDGETS
????
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
