I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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