Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Fuck appropriateness.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
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