Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
